Personality Tests Aren't Helping - Sunday 9/6/09

I haven't been in the mood to write in months. I'm a Libra and tend to be very sensitive and emotional, but the unusual thing is that if I get "too" emotional, I will sort of shut down. I need a way to escape and since the economy downturn, money is tight and I can't go on my road trips and experience the "little" things. So, I have sat here hiding...and it is driving me crazy!

I think I'm depressed. I know you didn't ask, but I have to get it out. If I don't, I'm going to continue to sit in this coccoon and wither away.

1) Work. Hasn't been going very good. Lately, I feel beat up on. Dejected. Frustrated. And, frankly, I'm not usually like that. Seriously. I'm usually the one that tends to be the life coach of the bunch and "cheer" everyone on. Give them the bright side; show them their worth; show them the bigger picture. But, lately. So, not happening.

2) Children. Still having a hard time getting over not having my children around. I know...you're probably saying, "Kris, you did your job. Your kids are grown. It's time for you..but I'm still struggling trying to get there. I really don't know what to do with ME. It's been 2 1/2 years and I'm still kinda sitting around waiting for my kids to call. I DO want to do things for me...but, somehow, I just can't seem to make myself get up and do it. I want to travel; but I don't. I want to take pictures; but I don't. I want to write; but I don't. I want to paint; but I don't. What the heck is wrong with me?

3) Death. There have been alot of highly publicized deaths in the news lately. Alot of the publicity surrrounds statements like, "She loved life" or "He loved living" or "She accomplished so much in life." What? I don't think I've done that, yet. I need to before it is too late.

4) Family. This tends to be a pretty sore subject. I've lived more years than I can count living on my own. Most people my age have their family surrounding them because they finally "got it." I get it..it's just that I've lived almost my entire adult life without family. Christmases happended without me. Labor Day happened without me. Easter happened without me. Yeah, just about every holiday and special occassion went on without me. So, what I learned is that I suppose I wasn't very important in the grand scheme of things. I am trying, now, but I really don't know how it will all work out.

5) Past. I still can't let go. However hard I try, I think I still am absorbed with the rejection.

This wasn't a whining session. I just needed to get my concerns out and maybe I can start fresh tomorrow. I love you all.