For the most part, I've lived my adult life on the safe side. And I know why.
It was "the" accident. When I was six years old I visited one of my playmates on my block. During my visit, there was a terrible accident. Although it happened 35 years years ago, it seems like it was like yesterday. One moment I was swinging on a swingset with my friend and the next I was running down the hill in their backyard. My body was in flames. To make a very long story short, I ended up spending a couple months trying to survive...learn to walk...and resume my innocence. Although the initial accident stripped me of a couple months of school, it ultimately stole most of my childhood.
When I was younger, I became a "rebel-rouser." But, as I grew into an adult, I became fearful of life. I still don't know the exact time when things changed, but when I became an adult I began to believe that IF I was around .. an accident WOULD happen. Not IF, but when. My life lesson, was bad things happen to good people. I just couldn't seem to get over the thought that if I was there...it would happen. It was a Reverse-Field-Of-Dreams: "Build it and they will come". For me, it was "I am there and it will happen." The result over time was I learned to shelter myself from the simplest experiences. The more I sheltered myself, the worse the fear became.
A small glimpse into my mind pathology (sick as it was):
It was "the" accident. When I was six years old I visited one of my playmates on my block. During my visit, there was a terrible accident. Although it happened 35 years years ago, it seems like it was like yesterday. One moment I was swinging on a swingset with my friend and the next I was running down the hill in their backyard. My body was in flames. To make a very long story short, I ended up spending a couple months trying to survive...learn to walk...and resume my innocence. Although the initial accident stripped me of a couple months of school, it ultimately stole most of my childhood.
When I was younger, I became a "rebel-rouser." But, as I grew into an adult, I became fearful of life. I still don't know the exact time when things changed, but when I became an adult I began to believe that IF I was around .. an accident WOULD happen. Not IF, but when. My life lesson, was bad things happen to good people. I just couldn't seem to get over the thought that if I was there...it would happen. It was a Reverse-Field-Of-Dreams: "Build it and they will come". For me, it was "I am there and it will happen." The result over time was I learned to shelter myself from the simplest experiences. The more I sheltered myself, the worse the fear became.
A small glimpse into my mind pathology (sick as it was):
- If I fly on a plane, it will crash
- If I speed on the interstate, I will wreck
- If I travel over a bridge, it will collapse
- If I go to a backyard BBQ, the gas grill will explode
Now I understand. It was my brain's way of "protecting" me from the thought that YOU DON'T HAVE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE. I wanted control and because I knew that control isn't possible (whether it is fate, or destiny, or God's Sovereignty over human events). At this point in my life, I understand that I will not ever have control. So, it is time to enjoy every day instead of fearing every day.
That is why I have the "Bucket List" of things I want to do. It's not just about the Yamaha TW200, but right now it is top on my list. The TW200 list represents the long list of things I want to do before I die. It represents:
- Whale watching, or
- The airplane ride, or
- The air balloon ride, or
- The Transcontinental cruise, or
- Dogsled adventure, or
- Cowboy cattle ride
I have to start somewhere. And at 42, I want motorcycle riding lessons and eventually a TW200....just for me!!
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