Bad, Good, and Great - Sunday 8/15/10

I recently started a new blog called the DL Diaries. I realized after a few posts that I wasn't spending my time very wisely or productively. You see, Don broke up with me and in normal Teddy-fashion, I thought it was best to write about "our" life together. Essentially, to memorialize all of the stories, capture the love before it faded from my memory. Or maybe to receive some kind of acceptance of the breakup based on our story. What I have come to realize is that it is a waste of my time to reminisce over the time we shared. That time is obviously over. What I should be doing is learning to live my own life...not live through Don's experiences. So here it goes...


I was driving back from Fernandina today and all of "our" songs came on the radio. I found myself feeling down and blue. I felt this wave of loss come over me again. I haven't been able to stop it from occurring, but I have gotten better about pulling myself together and giving myself a pep talk. What I have realized in the 2 months since he spoke to me is that I wasn't living my life. I was only "living" my life based on what he was experiencing. If he got a job interview, he was positive and then so was I. When the job didn't materialize, he was down and then so was I. And when he finally got his job, he was over-the-top and then so was I. This has been a pattern during my adult life. I've only come to realize in the past month that I wasn't living the life I was supposed to live.


I am a survivor. I've been through more than my share. What I realized tonight was that I truly believe that the bad becomes good and the good becomes great. I just have to give it some time. I've heard a hundred times in the past couple of months, "When one door closes, another one opens." And I truly believe that. And another thing that I believe is that life presents you with a lesson that you must learn and if you don't learn the lesson, then you will be destined to experience the same lesson until you learn it.


So, here it is. Kris, your lesson is must learn to live your own life, not everyone else's around you. Quit giving in to the first man that says he loves you (because chances are he doesn't). Quit supporting their dreams and give up on your own. Quit finding happiness in other people and find happiness in yourself. Dare to dream. Dare to follow your dreams with conviction (the way you have supported everyone else's dreams). Most importantly, dare to live the life you want for yourself. Obviously, after 40+ years, no one is going to do it for you (even though you would do it for them). Decide what YOU want and find a way to get it. Take no prisoners. Go forth and conquer...


You have my permission.

Personality Tests Aren't Helping - Sunday 9/6/09

I haven't been in the mood to write in months. I'm a Libra and tend to be very sensitive and emotional, but the unusual thing is that if I get "too" emotional, I will sort of shut down. I need a way to escape and since the economy downturn, money is tight and I can't go on my road trips and experience the "little" things. So, I have sat here hiding...and it is driving me crazy!

I think I'm depressed. I know you didn't ask, but I have to get it out. If I don't, I'm going to continue to sit in this coccoon and wither away.

1) Work. Hasn't been going very good. Lately, I feel beat up on. Dejected. Frustrated. And, frankly, I'm not usually like that. Seriously. I'm usually the one that tends to be the life coach of the bunch and "cheer" everyone on. Give them the bright side; show them their worth; show them the bigger picture. But, lately. So, not happening.

2) Children. Still having a hard time getting over not having my children around. I know...you're probably saying, "Kris, you did your job. Your kids are grown. It's time for you..but I'm still struggling trying to get there. I really don't know what to do with ME. It's been 2 1/2 years and I'm still kinda sitting around waiting for my kids to call. I DO want to do things for me...but, somehow, I just can't seem to make myself get up and do it. I want to travel; but I don't. I want to take pictures; but I don't. I want to write; but I don't. I want to paint; but I don't. What the heck is wrong with me?

3) Death. There have been alot of highly publicized deaths in the news lately. Alot of the publicity surrrounds statements like, "She loved life" or "He loved living" or "She accomplished so much in life." What? I don't think I've done that, yet. I need to before it is too late.

4) Family. This tends to be a pretty sore subject. I've lived more years than I can count living on my own. Most people my age have their family surrounding them because they finally "got it." I get it..it's just that I've lived almost my entire adult life without family. Christmases happended without me. Labor Day happened without me. Easter happened without me. Yeah, just about every holiday and special occassion went on without me. So, what I learned is that I suppose I wasn't very important in the grand scheme of things. I am trying, now, but I really don't know how it will all work out.

5) Past. I still can't let go. However hard I try, I think I still am absorbed with the rejection.

This wasn't a whining session. I just needed to get my concerns out and maybe I can start fresh tomorrow. I love you all.

My Dad - Sunday, 6/7/09

I wish I had a picture of my Dad to go along with this post. But, I haven't had a picture of my Dad in probably 10 years.

If my Dad actually read this post, I bet he would never believe it...because I'm getting ready to say that he was right! I never do that!

When I was a kid (or a growing young lady) we had a very serious talk. Of course, I didn't want him to think that I heard a word he said. Teenagers never listen to their parents and when they do, they sure don't want their parents to know that they actually listened. What would that say about me? But, this one talk...the ONE talk (rather lecture) I remember that has haunted me for my entire adult life. I can't possibly say everything he said to me in THAT talk because it was 2 F'n hours long, but this is what I got from it:

My Dad told me that he had suffered through his adult life because he chose to make money over what he really wanted to do in life. He picked a career when he was 17 years old and that career sustained his family for over 40 years. He said that he picked his career based on two factors: time and payoff. (1) Time in college must = 4 years (no longer), and (2) The payoff/paycheck much = high money without working your way up. His career choice? Pharmacist.

Did he enjoy it? NO. Did he hate getting up every day and performing the same mundane tasks over and over? YES. When he was telling me this, he had 20 years in his field. By the time he told me this, he was in his mid-forties. I kinda got it then...but not so much, because I LIKED that my Dad had that career. Why? Because I got everything I wanted as his daughter. I lived in one of those uncredulous, "live-behind-the-white-gate-communities" and had every possible opportunity. Piano? Check. Swim Team? Check. Art lessons? Check. Horses? Check. Yacht club? Check. Marina Club? Check. Golf club? Check. Tennis lessons? Check. You name it...I had it.

Now that I am the age that he was when he gave me that lecture...urrr. That is where I am. On that gray, overcast day he told me one thing. He told me to pick a career that would begin a life, but for me to never think that I should pick something at the age of "17" that would sustain me for the rest of my life. He told me that I should pick something that I would want to get up and DO EVERY DAY....Something I would feel passionate about.

On that particular overcast day, he told me that, on average...I would probably pick 3 careers before I settled into the one that I wanted.

Dad, you were right. My first career was Retail Services, my second has been Information Technology...now all I want is to be a writer. The dilemma? The first two make you money...the last one gives you personal gratification.

Dad, I've always been a writer. It is in my heart. It is in my soul. I need you to know that I AM a writer. I have stories to tell. You were right....maybe now I can call you and tell you.

Love, Your daughter

Midsummer Night's Dream (Not so much!) - Thursday, 4/16/09

I dream a lot! I can't help it, it runs in the family. When I say a lot, I don't mean I dream a lot..I mean that I can barely sustain a normal sleep pattern because I am ALWAYS dreaming. I wake up at least 3 times a night and I can usually remember at least 3 dreams a night. This one dream is a keeper. It's not necessarily the dream, but the conversation that followed the dream. Men are definitely from Mars!
Me: [touching DL's shoulder] Hon, I had a bad dream.
DL: Hmmmmmm?
Me: [touching a little harder] Hon, did you hear me?
DL: Uh-huuuuuuh.
Me: I had a nightmare.
DL: [No response]
Me: Did you hear me?
DL: Uh-huuuuuuh
Me: I had a dream that I cheated on you.
DL: Well, did you stop?
Me: Uh, I don't think so. We broke up.
DL: [Snoring again]
Me: [Seriously??????]

WAIT! What did he say? Did I stop? Come on girls, if your guy woke you up at 3:00am and stated matter-of-factly that he cheated on you with somebody else, what would you say? Would you actually say, "Well, did you stop?" I don't think we would say that! If my guy told me in a dead sleep that he dreamed that he was cheating on me, I believe the conversation would go something like this:

DL: [touching my shoulder] Sweetie, I had a bad dream.
Me: Uh-huuuuuuh
DL: I had a nightmare
Me: Did you?
DL: Yeah, I dreamed I cheated on you.
Me: [Turning the light on because we will be up for awhile] Really? What did you dream?
DL: Well...I dreamed that I cheated on you and you found out and we broke up.
Me: Really? Ummmm. What did she look like? Was she prettier than me? Are you trying to tell me something? She was a blonde, wasn't she? I knew it.
DL: Go back to sleep it was nothing.
Me: Nothing? Nothing? You're kidding, right?
DL: Yeah, it was nothing. It was just a dream.
Me: So...what you are telling me is that you dreaming of another woman is nothing? Is that what you're saying?
DL: [Thinking, damn, why did I say anything? Jesus Christ, it was just a dream}

Girls, am I completely crazy OR would you have a problem with this? In my opinion, men are from Mars, because if this happened to my girl friends, I don't believe it would be taken so lightly!!

Luckily, I haven't had this dream since. But, would DL really care? I don't think so.

Concours means "old" - Sunday 3/15/09

I recently had the wonderful opportunity to visit the 2009 Amelia Island Concours d'Elegance at the Ritz Carlton on Amelia Island. Funny thing is that this renowned car show has been occurring on Amelia Island since 1996. I've lived there since 1990, but sometimes you have to leave before you can appreciate what was in your own backyard! I never realized how much I love classic (a/k/a old) cars until last week. I'm a Libra..and so being...I like anything exquisite, beautiful, classic, stunning, and appealing to the discriminating eye. I walked around looking at all the classic automobiles. I'm also a history buff, so just ot be in the presence of unique and special vehicles was an understatement. Think of all the history each one of these special classics have seen. World War I? The Roaring 20's? The Great Depression? World War II? Korea? Post-Kennedy assasination? Vietnam?

Each Car Class presented a unique look into the triumphs and tribulations of our nation. What we've experienced..what we've overcome. And the owners seem to be as enthusiastic and impassioned as we are with our iPods, our Wii's and our wireless connections. These things aren't so beautiful, but maybe our great-grandchildren will visit a unique show that displays our passion.

For me? These cars are a direct relationship with our parents, grandparents, and personal history. I'm going to make every effort to follow these personal collections to Miami Concours or the Desert Concours. Want to join me?

10 Places I Don't Like To Be - Monday 3/9/09

I never noticed this phenomena before the divorce. Let me explain. It isn't the divorce that I care about..it was long overdue. What I miss is my children. I definitely notice these "family" moments now...these are the places I don't like to be:

1. The airport. Families are traveling to go on the yearly family vacation or visit extended family.
2. The mall. Mothers taking their children out to spend a day of shopping or just strolling and window shopping.
3. The grocery store. Enough said...I stand in the checkout line alone checking out my 5 items while I wait for the $300 grocery checkout. Until now, I didn't realize planning a meal was such a family event.
4. The amusement park. This is probably the worst scenario...I'm with my boyfriend (which isn't bad), but I used to be one of those Mothers that had a line of kids..and telling them, "Get down...sit still...quit bothering your sister." That was me and I miss it.
5. The park. There is no worse place to visit if you're single. Everyone is there with their family. I used to think it was a chore, but now I miss the experience.
6. The neighborhood family restaurant. I used to be "one of those"... I was the mother that used to drag her children into the family dining establishment to teach them social and table manners. Now, I'm there as a patron. I don't like that kids ruin everyone's dining experience, but I do miss the intentions.
7. The county fair. I went for the first time in 10 years. It was actually boring, I didn't realize how fun kids make it.
8. The beach. I used to like to go to the beach, but now it's just me and my boyfriend. We just find a place to sit and watch everyone else having fun. I can't believe that I would miss getting messy helping my child build a sandcastle OR worry that a wave is going to take her down!
9. The road trip. I miss, "Mom, I have to go potty!"
10. The swimming pool. I really miss, "I DON'T WANNA GO. I DON'T WANNA GO. WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO?"

I didn't realize that I was absorbed in the responsibility and I didn't get it. I should have enjoyed the experience. I miss the experience. Now? I watch your families have the experience.

You Know You Are Old When - Sunday 3/8/09

I think that Life is funny. Then again, I always find the funny in every situation. I think it has everything to do with losing most of my childhood. I started becoming a child (again) in my mid-30s. This was when I quit taking everything for granted and started looking introspectively for what I AM and NOT what I'm not.

I can only surmise that life is designed to be this way. Why is it when the children, that you have spent your entire adult life raising, have grown and moved out that women tend to falter looking for a purpose? Maybe because we have always had a purpose? Men have too, but they tend to have the ability to let that go and begin to really "live life." Thus, the so-called-midlife-crisis. I think Moms have a midlife crisis in their own right OR at least I am.

For the first time in my life I feel old. Anyone that knows me knows that I tend to be a complete immature goofball. I am the quick-witted-find-everything-funny-in the moment kind of person. I can be and am serious when the situation calls for it, but people are too serious. Most people will never describe me in that way. My kids are always telling me to grow up...even though I think they know better by now.

I know that I'm old when I'm looking for ways to feel younger. It was never such a chore before. These are reasons I feel old:

• I'm reaching out to people that I haven't talked to in almost 25 years.
• I'm seeing the world through different lenses. It isn't 6 degrees of separation, everyone is connected.
• I'm beginning to understand that the faults I have are becoming strengths.
• I want to be impassioned to make a difference in the world.
• I'm planning my will. WTF?
• I understand that my children and career have shaped my self-worth and value. My children are gone and now I think I need to let go of the current job I have. That IS the only way I will know my own true worth
• I contemplate a lot of my childhood memories and think of the people that have passed.

I could go on and on, but I just wanted to make a statement that we are here for a short time and I want my time to count for something. That's why I know I'm getting old. :)