I've Found A New Drug - Tuesday 10/12/08

Recently, I was once again reminded of how really far I've come. This is a picture (small and ugly as it is) taken of me a little over a year and a half ago. This night was an especially emotional one for me. I had recently separated from my ex-husband and this was the night that "Princess Pooh" and I had reunited. It's still difficult for me to look at this photo, because it reminds me just how emotionally raw I was. My spirit was broken. My heart was broken. At the least, I felt lonely, rejected, and afraid. I definitely couldn't see the "light at the end of the tunnel." I felt completely exposed and desperate. I was trying to understand what went wrong. I needed to know it wasn't "all my fault." I needed to know that I was still loveable, even valuable. Yet, this night, I felt completely unloved, unwanted, and hopeless. I felt like a failure as a wife, mother, and human being. I was torturing myself.


It's amazing how time truly heals. Like I said, it really is difficult for me to look at this picture (my kids want me to get rid of it, but I need to keep it for gauging sake), because I barely recognize this person. I recognize the pooch! That's why I know it's me! :-) Pooh and I took it one day at a time. During those difficult times, Pooh was my only diversion. I would go home after a long day at work and we would take long walks around the pond. Some nights we would sit on the bank and feed the ducks and other nights we would sit under the gazebo and look out at the dark water. We'd "talk" ... or, rather, I would talk to her about my thoughts. It was the only form of therapy I had.


That was 1 year and 7 months ago. Today, I feel like a different person. This is not to say that I don't have problems, worries, insecurities, or issues. But, it's how I "feel" about myself. Instead of torturing myself and living in a House of Mirrors, I've learned that I am unique! I shouldn't have to say, "I'm sorry" for everything that happens. I'm not responsible for everything. I have depth, value, compassion, passion, intelligence, and loyalty. I will always have things to work on, but that makes me NO different from anyone else in this world. What makes me a little different is that, at the least, I am continually working to improve myself. This isn't to say that I think there is a "Laundry List" of things to fix, but I enjoy spiritual and mental growth. How many people actually occupy space on this planet that refuse to acknowledge that they should try and change the way they do things (i.e., how we treat people, how we are available to people, how we can be more polite and/or unassuming).


To cite Huey Lewis, "I've Found A New Drug." My drug of choice is self-love: Falling in love with the person I am NOW, sustaining happiness, and developing this very complex character called TeddyB!