Bad, Good, and Great - Sunday 8/15/10

I recently started a new blog called the DL Diaries. I realized after a few posts that I wasn't spending my time very wisely or productively. You see, Don broke up with me and in normal Teddy-fashion, I thought it was best to write about "our" life together. Essentially, to memorialize all of the stories, capture the love before it faded from my memory. Or maybe to receive some kind of acceptance of the breakup based on our story. What I have come to realize is that it is a waste of my time to reminisce over the time we shared. That time is obviously over. What I should be doing is learning to live my own life...not live through Don's experiences. So here it goes...


I was driving back from Fernandina today and all of "our" songs came on the radio. I found myself feeling down and blue. I felt this wave of loss come over me again. I haven't been able to stop it from occurring, but I have gotten better about pulling myself together and giving myself a pep talk. What I have realized in the 2 months since he spoke to me is that I wasn't living my life. I was only "living" my life based on what he was experiencing. If he got a job interview, he was positive and then so was I. When the job didn't materialize, he was down and then so was I. And when he finally got his job, he was over-the-top and then so was I. This has been a pattern during my adult life. I've only come to realize in the past month that I wasn't living the life I was supposed to live.


I am a survivor. I've been through more than my share. What I realized tonight was that I truly believe that the bad becomes good and the good becomes great. I just have to give it some time. I've heard a hundred times in the past couple of months, "When one door closes, another one opens." And I truly believe that. And another thing that I believe is that life presents you with a lesson that you must learn and if you don't learn the lesson, then you will be destined to experience the same lesson until you learn it.


So, here it is. Kris, your lesson is must learn to live your own life, not everyone else's around you. Quit giving in to the first man that says he loves you (because chances are he doesn't). Quit supporting their dreams and give up on your own. Quit finding happiness in other people and find happiness in yourself. Dare to dream. Dare to follow your dreams with conviction (the way you have supported everyone else's dreams). Most importantly, dare to live the life you want for yourself. Obviously, after 40+ years, no one is going to do it for you (even though you would do it for them). Decide what YOU want and find a way to get it. Take no prisoners. Go forth and conquer...


You have my permission.

Personality Tests Aren't Helping - Sunday 9/6/09

I haven't been in the mood to write in months. I'm a Libra and tend to be very sensitive and emotional, but the unusual thing is that if I get "too" emotional, I will sort of shut down. I need a way to escape and since the economy downturn, money is tight and I can't go on my road trips and experience the "little" things. So, I have sat here hiding...and it is driving me crazy!

I think I'm depressed. I know you didn't ask, but I have to get it out. If I don't, I'm going to continue to sit in this coccoon and wither away.

1) Work. Hasn't been going very good. Lately, I feel beat up on. Dejected. Frustrated. And, frankly, I'm not usually like that. Seriously. I'm usually the one that tends to be the life coach of the bunch and "cheer" everyone on. Give them the bright side; show them their worth; show them the bigger picture. But, lately. So, not happening.

2) Children. Still having a hard time getting over not having my children around. I know...you're probably saying, "Kris, you did your job. Your kids are grown. It's time for you..but I'm still struggling trying to get there. I really don't know what to do with ME. It's been 2 1/2 years and I'm still kinda sitting around waiting for my kids to call. I DO want to do things for me...but, somehow, I just can't seem to make myself get up and do it. I want to travel; but I don't. I want to take pictures; but I don't. I want to write; but I don't. I want to paint; but I don't. What the heck is wrong with me?

3) Death. There have been alot of highly publicized deaths in the news lately. Alot of the publicity surrrounds statements like, "She loved life" or "He loved living" or "She accomplished so much in life." What? I don't think I've done that, yet. I need to before it is too late.

4) Family. This tends to be a pretty sore subject. I've lived more years than I can count living on my own. Most people my age have their family surrounding them because they finally "got it." I get it..it's just that I've lived almost my entire adult life without family. Christmases happended without me. Labor Day happened without me. Easter happened without me. Yeah, just about every holiday and special occassion went on without me. So, what I learned is that I suppose I wasn't very important in the grand scheme of things. I am trying, now, but I really don't know how it will all work out.

5) Past. I still can't let go. However hard I try, I think I still am absorbed with the rejection.

This wasn't a whining session. I just needed to get my concerns out and maybe I can start fresh tomorrow. I love you all.

My Dad - Sunday, 6/7/09

I wish I had a picture of my Dad to go along with this post. But, I haven't had a picture of my Dad in probably 10 years.

If my Dad actually read this post, I bet he would never believe it...because I'm getting ready to say that he was right! I never do that!

When I was a kid (or a growing young lady) we had a very serious talk. Of course, I didn't want him to think that I heard a word he said. Teenagers never listen to their parents and when they do, they sure don't want their parents to know that they actually listened. What would that say about me? But, this one talk...the ONE talk (rather lecture) I remember that has haunted me for my entire adult life. I can't possibly say everything he said to me in THAT talk because it was 2 F'n hours long, but this is what I got from it:

My Dad told me that he had suffered through his adult life because he chose to make money over what he really wanted to do in life. He picked a career when he was 17 years old and that career sustained his family for over 40 years. He said that he picked his career based on two factors: time and payoff. (1) Time in college must = 4 years (no longer), and (2) The payoff/paycheck much = high money without working your way up. His career choice? Pharmacist.

Did he enjoy it? NO. Did he hate getting up every day and performing the same mundane tasks over and over? YES. When he was telling me this, he had 20 years in his field. By the time he told me this, he was in his mid-forties. I kinda got it then...but not so much, because I LIKED that my Dad had that career. Why? Because I got everything I wanted as his daughter. I lived in one of those uncredulous, "live-behind-the-white-gate-communities" and had every possible opportunity. Piano? Check. Swim Team? Check. Art lessons? Check. Horses? Check. Yacht club? Check. Marina Club? Check. Golf club? Check. Tennis lessons? Check. You name it...I had it.

Now that I am the age that he was when he gave me that lecture...urrr. That is where I am. On that gray, overcast day he told me one thing. He told me to pick a career that would begin a life, but for me to never think that I should pick something at the age of "17" that would sustain me for the rest of my life. He told me that I should pick something that I would want to get up and DO EVERY DAY....Something I would feel passionate about.

On that particular overcast day, he told me that, on average...I would probably pick 3 careers before I settled into the one that I wanted.

Dad, you were right. My first career was Retail Services, my second has been Information Technology...now all I want is to be a writer. The dilemma? The first two make you money...the last one gives you personal gratification.

Dad, I've always been a writer. It is in my heart. It is in my soul. I need you to know that I AM a writer. I have stories to tell. You were right....maybe now I can call you and tell you.

Love, Your daughter

Midsummer Night's Dream (Not so much!) - Thursday, 4/16/09

I dream a lot! I can't help it, it runs in the family. When I say a lot, I don't mean I dream a lot..I mean that I can barely sustain a normal sleep pattern because I am ALWAYS dreaming. I wake up at least 3 times a night and I can usually remember at least 3 dreams a night. This one dream is a keeper. It's not necessarily the dream, but the conversation that followed the dream. Men are definitely from Mars!
Me: [touching DL's shoulder] Hon, I had a bad dream.
DL: Hmmmmmm?
Me: [touching a little harder] Hon, did you hear me?
DL: Uh-huuuuuuh.
Me: I had a nightmare.
DL: [No response]
Me: Did you hear me?
DL: Uh-huuuuuuh
Me: I had a dream that I cheated on you.
DL: Well, did you stop?
Me: Uh, I don't think so. We broke up.
DL: [Snoring again]
Me: [Seriously??????]

WAIT! What did he say? Did I stop? Come on girls, if your guy woke you up at 3:00am and stated matter-of-factly that he cheated on you with somebody else, what would you say? Would you actually say, "Well, did you stop?" I don't think we would say that! If my guy told me in a dead sleep that he dreamed that he was cheating on me, I believe the conversation would go something like this:

DL: [touching my shoulder] Sweetie, I had a bad dream.
Me: Uh-huuuuuuh
DL: I had a nightmare
Me: Did you?
DL: Yeah, I dreamed I cheated on you.
Me: [Turning the light on because we will be up for awhile] Really? What did you dream?
DL: Well...I dreamed that I cheated on you and you found out and we broke up.
Me: Really? Ummmm. What did she look like? Was she prettier than me? Are you trying to tell me something? She was a blonde, wasn't she? I knew it.
DL: Go back to sleep it was nothing.
Me: Nothing? Nothing? You're kidding, right?
DL: Yeah, it was nothing. It was just a dream.
Me: So...what you are telling me is that you dreaming of another woman is nothing? Is that what you're saying?
DL: [Thinking, damn, why did I say anything? Jesus Christ, it was just a dream}

Girls, am I completely crazy OR would you have a problem with this? In my opinion, men are from Mars, because if this happened to my girl friends, I don't believe it would be taken so lightly!!

Luckily, I haven't had this dream since. But, would DL really care? I don't think so.

Concours means "old" - Sunday 3/15/09

I recently had the wonderful opportunity to visit the 2009 Amelia Island Concours d'Elegance at the Ritz Carlton on Amelia Island. Funny thing is that this renowned car show has been occurring on Amelia Island since 1996. I've lived there since 1990, but sometimes you have to leave before you can appreciate what was in your own backyard! I never realized how much I love classic (a/k/a old) cars until last week. I'm a Libra..and so being...I like anything exquisite, beautiful, classic, stunning, and appealing to the discriminating eye. I walked around looking at all the classic automobiles. I'm also a history buff, so just ot be in the presence of unique and special vehicles was an understatement. Think of all the history each one of these special classics have seen. World War I? The Roaring 20's? The Great Depression? World War II? Korea? Post-Kennedy assasination? Vietnam?

Each Car Class presented a unique look into the triumphs and tribulations of our nation. What we've experienced..what we've overcome. And the owners seem to be as enthusiastic and impassioned as we are with our iPods, our Wii's and our wireless connections. These things aren't so beautiful, but maybe our great-grandchildren will visit a unique show that displays our passion.

For me? These cars are a direct relationship with our parents, grandparents, and personal history. I'm going to make every effort to follow these personal collections to Miami Concours or the Desert Concours. Want to join me?

10 Places I Don't Like To Be - Monday 3/9/09

I never noticed this phenomena before the divorce. Let me explain. It isn't the divorce that I care about..it was long overdue. What I miss is my children. I definitely notice these "family" moments now...these are the places I don't like to be:

1. The airport. Families are traveling to go on the yearly family vacation or visit extended family.
2. The mall. Mothers taking their children out to spend a day of shopping or just strolling and window shopping.
3. The grocery store. Enough said...I stand in the checkout line alone checking out my 5 items while I wait for the $300 grocery checkout. Until now, I didn't realize planning a meal was such a family event.
4. The amusement park. This is probably the worst scenario...I'm with my boyfriend (which isn't bad), but I used to be one of those Mothers that had a line of kids..and telling them, "Get down...sit still...quit bothering your sister." That was me and I miss it.
5. The park. There is no worse place to visit if you're single. Everyone is there with their family. I used to think it was a chore, but now I miss the experience.
6. The neighborhood family restaurant. I used to be "one of those"... I was the mother that used to drag her children into the family dining establishment to teach them social and table manners. Now, I'm there as a patron. I don't like that kids ruin everyone's dining experience, but I do miss the intentions.
7. The county fair. I went for the first time in 10 years. It was actually boring, I didn't realize how fun kids make it.
8. The beach. I used to like to go to the beach, but now it's just me and my boyfriend. We just find a place to sit and watch everyone else having fun. I can't believe that I would miss getting messy helping my child build a sandcastle OR worry that a wave is going to take her down!
9. The road trip. I miss, "Mom, I have to go potty!"
10. The swimming pool. I really miss, "I DON'T WANNA GO. I DON'T WANNA GO. WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO?"

I didn't realize that I was absorbed in the responsibility and I didn't get it. I should have enjoyed the experience. I miss the experience. Now? I watch your families have the experience.

You Know You Are Old When - Sunday 3/8/09

I think that Life is funny. Then again, I always find the funny in every situation. I think it has everything to do with losing most of my childhood. I started becoming a child (again) in my mid-30s. This was when I quit taking everything for granted and started looking introspectively for what I AM and NOT what I'm not.

I can only surmise that life is designed to be this way. Why is it when the children, that you have spent your entire adult life raising, have grown and moved out that women tend to falter looking for a purpose? Maybe because we have always had a purpose? Men have too, but they tend to have the ability to let that go and begin to really "live life." Thus, the so-called-midlife-crisis. I think Moms have a midlife crisis in their own right OR at least I am.

For the first time in my life I feel old. Anyone that knows me knows that I tend to be a complete immature goofball. I am the quick-witted-find-everything-funny-in the moment kind of person. I can be and am serious when the situation calls for it, but people are too serious. Most people will never describe me in that way. My kids are always telling me to grow up...even though I think they know better by now.

I know that I'm old when I'm looking for ways to feel younger. It was never such a chore before. These are reasons I feel old:

• I'm reaching out to people that I haven't talked to in almost 25 years.
• I'm seeing the world through different lenses. It isn't 6 degrees of separation, everyone is connected.
• I'm beginning to understand that the faults I have are becoming strengths.
• I want to be impassioned to make a difference in the world.
• I'm planning my will. WTF?
• I understand that my children and career have shaped my self-worth and value. My children are gone and now I think I need to let go of the current job I have. That IS the only way I will know my own true worth
• I contemplate a lot of my childhood memories and think of the people that have passed.

I could go on and on, but I just wanted to make a statement that we are here for a short time and I want my time to count for something. That's why I know I'm getting old. :)

Inspired - Thursday 11/13/08

A *writer* friend of mine sent me a link to a writing contest. I think I have a great storyline, but there is a catch. What I want to write about is not fiction, but rather non-fiction. It's a true story about something that happened in my life. So, I ask her, "Can I write about something true and submit it as fiction?" She replies, "As you know, truth is stranger than fiction."

Long story short: I was burned when I was a child. I don't mean burned by a stove or a hot pot that was left to simmer too long. I mean an explosion that engulfed my body in flames. How would a child handle it? How would a Mother navigate unchartered waters on how to raise a child with disfiguring scars and circumvent the stares/biases in our society? It's a good baseline, but could I translate my story to a *small* audience OR could this story transcend to other bio lines (autism, epilepsy, paralysis, etc.) ? Thoughts would be much appreciated.

I'm counting on my "writer friends" to help me out here. ALL comments welcomed!

Six Things You Don't Know About Me - Wednesday 10/22/08

A Blogging Tag is going around. I haven't been tagged (because I'm new to the blogging realm), but I thought it was a neat idea, so I am going to add my personal info that you wouldn't know about me from reading my blog and then I'm going to tag a friend or two.

#1 - I was a gymnast. I actually competed in the United States Gymnastics Federation (USGF..renamed to USAG since then) for about 4 years. I actually made it to the State Finals once. Although I competed "All-Around", my specialities were Vault and Floor Exercise.

#2 - I ride horses. I've even owned a few in my lifetime. I started competing in Western Pleasure and Western Trail. I eventually learned English and Hunt Seat and loved jumping! My last horse was an off-the-track Thoroughbred racehorse. His racing name was Devious Diplomat, but I called him DeeVee. About 4 years ago, I traded in my horse for horsepower. I now only ride (in) a RX-8.

#3 - I play the piano. I started playing the piano when I was about 6 years old. I've competed in the International Federation of Pianists. I especially enjoy playing Jazz/Blues and Classical music.

#4 - I was accident prone as a child. I guess I was a risk-taker back in the day. It was not uncommon for people to see me to be in a full-leg cast (playing kickball)!

#5 - I love Nascar! Only a very few people know this about me. I don't like to admit this because people get the wrong idea of the type of person I am. I am NOT a redneck...but I have a secret desire for a need for speed. I'm a Risk Analyst, so this is my outlet. I don't have a problem when 42 other people drive almost 200 miles per hour!

#6 - If I could go back in time and redo my life, I would want to be a Volcanologist or Geologist. I am completely addicted to weather, climate, and earth changes. How many people do you know have alerts sent to their BlackBerry for earthquakes, tsunamis, and sink holes? I live in Florida, where there are absolutely NO fault lines! I guess the good thing is I don't receive alot of alerts.

Dear Editor - A Walk In Time - Wednesday 10/15/08

*Author's Note: I was recently going through my personal documents and found this letter. I submitted this to Management over 5 years ago in the hopes that it would be included in the official ITS Newsletter. IT Leadership had been asking for submissions for future content. IT took me 3 weeks, 8 drafts, and a lot of guts to turn this in. Three days after my submission, I was informed that the Newsletter had been officially retired. Coincidence? I think not.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Letter to the Editor
04/18/2003

Dear Editor,


I admit it. My mind has been in the desert. Prior to March 20th, everything seemed quite normal. I went to work and I went home. I went to work and I went home. I had a problem. Work had become a daily battle and I’m not ashamed or afraid to admit it. Each one of us has experienced the feeling of being held hostage in the enemy camp, or on guard (with our arms drawn) against an attack, or feeling generally unmotivated to perform our job well. Everyone has bad days, but my bad days were coming day after day. The bad days were reflected in my motivation, determination, and loyalty.


One night, while watching the news-before our troops moved into Baghdad-it was reported that General Franks was leader-in-command of the largest military operation in U.S. history. General Franks and Central Command had some major obstacles to overcome in order to make good tactical decisions. He needed good communication, flexibility, men/women dedicated to the cause, and high morale. Without just one of these, the operation would most certainly fail. I thought to myself, “He’s never going to pull this thing off.” You have to be amazed at the enormity of this operation. If General Franks could lead 250,000 troops into insurmountable danger and succeed, then why can’t the ITS Department do the same?


Central Command has the ability to communicate by 2-way radio with troops across an area the size of California. Yet, we have difficulty communicating with each other and we are armed with telephones, intercoms, email, pagers, cell phones, and alpha pagers. Most, if not all, ITS staff recognizes this as a problem, but each team member, including Management, should be responsible to disseminate vital information to the troops in the field. Each person has experienced aggravation and frustration, so help out your fellow employee and lend some info. It’s not what you say; it’s what you don’t say.


General Frank’s plan must include a certain level of flexibility. Webster’s definition for flexibility is “characterized by a ready capability to adapt to new, different, or changing requirements”. That’s it in a nutshell. It is important to work toward a goal or follow the strategic plan that has been decided. Consider it a blueprint, if you will. I want to build a house, so I hire a contractor to build the house by my blueprint. Does this mean that the house will be built to perfect specification? No, probably not. We must have the ability to be flexible knowing that we can’t plan for everything. We should approach a project or a situation by the plan that was set forth, but have the ability to respond to a situation with a solution, without it bringing us to our knees. Like in Iraq, we must have a degree of flexibility.


Finally, here’s the meat of it: morale. When I listen to the news, I hear over and over, “The operation is difficult, but the morale is high.” Well, our operation is difficult and I find that our morale is low. Morale and dedication go hand-in-hand like bread and water. Morale is basically how we feel about our purpose for the present and for the future. How can we feel defeat and discouragement and be devoted to do it again tomorrow? It’s hard…but, each one of us has to pick up, dust off, and trust that it will be better tomorrow. Dear Management, we can’t do that alone. Give some praise, trust your employees, and inspire us. You might like what you see.


~Kris Smith, ITS

I've Found A New Drug - Tuesday 10/12/08

Recently, I was once again reminded of how really far I've come. This is a picture (small and ugly as it is) taken of me a little over a year and a half ago. This night was an especially emotional one for me. I had recently separated from my ex-husband and this was the night that "Princess Pooh" and I had reunited. It's still difficult for me to look at this photo, because it reminds me just how emotionally raw I was. My spirit was broken. My heart was broken. At the least, I felt lonely, rejected, and afraid. I definitely couldn't see the "light at the end of the tunnel." I felt completely exposed and desperate. I was trying to understand what went wrong. I needed to know it wasn't "all my fault." I needed to know that I was still loveable, even valuable. Yet, this night, I felt completely unloved, unwanted, and hopeless. I felt like a failure as a wife, mother, and human being. I was torturing myself.


It's amazing how time truly heals. Like I said, it really is difficult for me to look at this picture (my kids want me to get rid of it, but I need to keep it for gauging sake), because I barely recognize this person. I recognize the pooch! That's why I know it's me! :-) Pooh and I took it one day at a time. During those difficult times, Pooh was my only diversion. I would go home after a long day at work and we would take long walks around the pond. Some nights we would sit on the bank and feed the ducks and other nights we would sit under the gazebo and look out at the dark water. We'd "talk" ... or, rather, I would talk to her about my thoughts. It was the only form of therapy I had.


That was 1 year and 7 months ago. Today, I feel like a different person. This is not to say that I don't have problems, worries, insecurities, or issues. But, it's how I "feel" about myself. Instead of torturing myself and living in a House of Mirrors, I've learned that I am unique! I shouldn't have to say, "I'm sorry" for everything that happens. I'm not responsible for everything. I have depth, value, compassion, passion, intelligence, and loyalty. I will always have things to work on, but that makes me NO different from anyone else in this world. What makes me a little different is that, at the least, I am continually working to improve myself. This isn't to say that I think there is a "Laundry List" of things to fix, but I enjoy spiritual and mental growth. How many people actually occupy space on this planet that refuse to acknowledge that they should try and change the way they do things (i.e., how we treat people, how we are available to people, how we can be more polite and/or unassuming).


To cite Huey Lewis, "I've Found A New Drug." My drug of choice is self-love: Falling in love with the person I am NOW, sustaining happiness, and developing this very complex character called TeddyB!

Halloween Treat - Sunday 10/12/08

I received my very first Halloween Treat yesterday (and I probably didn't deserve it!).

I had the wonderful duty of having to drive my daughter to Amelia Island. For those of you not familiar with my biweekly routine...my reality is that I am responsible for having to do a 2 hour roundtrip drive to and from Fernandina every other Friday and then again on Sunday. Needless to say, I really dread this trip!

Back to the story: I set out on my trip to Fernandina yesterday around 4pm. Normally, I would arrive right at 5pm. Curiously, 5 minutes before I was to arrive at the pre-destined meeting spot, my cell phone rang. It was DL. I instantly thought, "Uh. He knows that I won't be back for at least another hour. What the?" I was probably already frustrated by the traffic and the responsibility, so please excuse my attitude, because after answering the phone, our conversation kind of went like this:

Me: Hullo?
DL: Hey! Where you at?
Me: Heading to Fernandina (???).
DL: Are you there yet?
Me: No. Why? (Note my short answers)
DL: Well...is that pet store in Fernandina open?
Me: Which one?
DL: Uh...I don't know the name of it...you know...the one we stopped at that ONE time.
Me: I think so. Why?
DL: Because I need you to pick up something.
Me: *Long Pause* I thought you were going to the pet store while I was gone.
DL: I did. They didn't have what I was looking for.
Me: *Softening now* Oh. What do you need?
[Cell phone garble, garble, garble]
Me: What? You need a fish crate? I don't know what that is!
DL: Not a fish crate. A fish cave. You know...that thing you put on the bottom of the aquarium?
Me: OH! A fish cave. Gotcha.
DL: Also, would you mind picking up some plants to go in the bottom of the aquarium, also?
Me: I guess.
DL: OK. Love you. Drive safe and I'll see you when you get back.
Me: Love you too. Bye.

I just told you this...so I could tell you this: I was a victim of a "wild goose chase." Apparently, DL wanted to keep me busy for awhile because this super-great, big-hearted guy was trying to surprise me. . He wanted to make sure that I was busy so that he could set up the surprise.

**Flash Forward 2 hours**
I drove up into my parking place and looked up to my "Verandah." Big gasp and then giggle. There were Halloween decorations everywhere! There were cute little pumpkin lights strung around the bannister. There were 2 pumpkin candles carefully placed at each end of the railing. There was a scary, cheesecloth, glowing-eyed skeleton hanging from the rafters, and the finale'? A special blue-and-green glowing Haunted House with broom-flying witch right on my deck table (picture shown).

Ummm. Kris is feeling pretty speechless and utterly selfish at this moment and all I can utter is, "Oh my god. You must love me because that is the best present anyone has ever given me. I absolutely know you love me, because only you would know how happy the beautiful lights make me feel. You are SO sneaky!"

Donald Lee, thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting up with my "sometimes" bitchy self. You're the best!

The TW200 Wish - Sunday 9/28/08

For the most part, I've lived my adult life on the safe side. And I know why.

It was "the" accident. When I was six years old I visited one of my playmates on my block. During my visit, there was a terrible accident. Although it happened 35 years years ago, it seems like it was like yesterday. One moment I was swinging on a swingset with my friend and the next I was running down the hill in their backyard. My body was in flames. To make a very long story short, I ended up spending a couple months trying to survive...learn to walk...and resume my innocence. Although the initial accident stripped me of a couple months of school, it ultimately stole most of my childhood.

When I was younger, I became a "rebel-rouser." But, as I grew into an adult, I became fearful of life. I still don't know the exact time when things changed, but when I became an adult I began to believe that IF I was around .. an accident WOULD happen. Not IF, but when. My life lesson, was bad things happen to good people. I just couldn't seem to get over the thought that if I was there...it would happen. It was a Reverse-Field-Of-Dreams: "Build it and they will come". For me, it was "I am there and it will happen." The result over time was I learned to shelter myself from the simplest experiences. The more I sheltered myself, the worse the fear became.

A small glimpse into my mind pathology (sick as it was):

• If I fly on a plane, it will crash


• If I speed on the interstate, I will wreck


• If I travel over a bridge, it will collapse


• If I go to a backyard BBQ, the gas grill will explode

Now I understand. It was my brain's way of "protecting" me from the thought that YOU DON'T HAVE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE. I wanted control and because I knew that control isn't possible (whether it is fate, or destiny, or God's Sovereignty over human events). At this point in my life, I understand that I will not ever have control. So, it is time to enjoy every day instead of fearing every day.

That is why I have the "Bucket List" of things I want to do. It's not just about the Yamaha TW200, but right now it is top on my list. The TW200 list represents the long list of things I want to do before I die. It represents:

• Whale watching, or


• The airplane ride, or


• The air balloon ride, or


• The Transcontinental cruise, or


• Dogsled adventure, or


• Cowboy cattle ride

I have to start somewhere. And at 42, I want motorcycle riding lessons and eventually a TW200....just for me!!

Moon Over Buffalo - Saturday 9/27/08

It's been awhile since I've written anything. What can I say? I lead a pretty normal existence...work, work, and just a little play.

Speaking of plays! DL bought tickets for my birthday to the Alhambra Dinner Theater. So, tonight DL, Kassidy, and I went for our 8PM production of "Moon Over Buffalo." I don't want to even suggest that I am any kind of theater reviewer, but if you are in Jacksonville and you get a chance..you really need to catch this new comedy.

It was fabulous. Act II was so funny that Kassidy and I were in tears. Go see it!

5 Random Observations of San Fran - Monday 9/15/08

#1 - EVERYONE is in a hurry. I mean everyone! Where exactly is everyone going? I'm still not sure, but what I do know is that they were always moving in the opposite direction of where I was going. I'm still thinking it was a conspiracy to keep this small town southern girl sandwiched next to the buildings on the right of the sidewalk.

#2 - EVERYONE is fit and thin. Overweight (a/k/a pudgy, stout, healthy, etc.) people beware! It must be mathematically impossible to be to have an elevated BMI when you live in a town where it seems no matter where you want to go...its all uphill!

#3 - This town is definitely culturally diverse. It was amazing to be a part of your city, even if it was for a short visit. Great city. I'll be back!

#4 - Does everyone dress to the "Nines?" I felt so...so.....well, underdressed. Don't ask!

#5 - What is it about people in San Francisco? Do they love their cold weather, or what? I heard a dozen times, "If I wanted this kind of heat..I would have lived in the valley!" Apparently, San Fran was experiencing an unusual heat wave while I was there. Go ahead. Blame me. I'm from Florida, so I probably brought the heat and humidity with me. I am happy to report, however, that temperatures have returned to the "norm" since my return to Florida!

Alcatraz slideshow - Saturday 9/6/08

Click photo above or copy and paste this link to view slide show:
http://s149.photobucket.com/albums/s63/LadySerendipity07/San%20Fran/?action=view¤t=8f47459a.pbw

San Fran slideshow - Saturday 9/6/08

Click the picture above or copy and paste this link to view the San Fran slideshow:
http://s149.photobucket.com/albums/s63/LadySerendipity07/San%20Fran/?action=view¤t=665d1bbe.pbw

San Francisco Tour - Saturday 9/6/08

We had pre-booked an all day tour of San Francisco before we got here, so we were up and out the door by a little after 8:00am PST. The valet hailed a taxi and we were on our way to the bay area to meet up with our tour group.


We decided on an tour that would include a sightseeing tour of the Golden Gate Bridge, a visit to Muir Woods and Sausalito, and return to San Fran to visit Alcatraz. Our charter bus left right on time at 9:02am. Destination: the Golden Gate Bridge and Muir Woods (to see the tall Redwoods)!


Our tour guide was named Clay. He had a whispy, deep voice. And, Clay, loved to recite poems...too many for my liking, but interesting any way. We headed over the Golden Gate Bridge. It was a clear day and the view was amazing. Apparently, the people of San Fran hadn't seen a view like this in eons...and we were lucky to be in San Fran at the right time. I sat by the window on the way to Muir Woods, so I could take plenty of photos. Hey! No one told me that I would be looking over so many cliffs. Yikes!

We arrived in Muir Woods after a 45-minute harrowing ride up a mountain in Marin County. Ok. Maybe it wasn't a mountain, but if you've never lived higher than 8-10 feet above sea level...it looked like a mountain. We proceeded to disembark the bus. We walked around the path and were in awe. The trees were the biggest I've ever seen. Don was quick to point out that these weren't the largest Redwoods. Those lived about 4 hours north. I guess I will have to return to see those!

Soon we were back on the bus. Next stop was Sausalito Beach. We only had about 40 minutes to walk around this quaint town. There were a lot of shops, a lot of boats, and definitely a lot of cyclists! I couldn't even imagine myself trying to ride a bike up the hills that surrounded this cute little town. The weather was nice...a little on the warm side, but definitely sightseeing weather. After a quick walk down the main artery, a quick walk down the dock to look at the amazing sailboats, and a short photo stop...we were back on the bus to head back to downtown San Francisco. In 40 minutes, we arrived right back where we started.

We stayed on the bus and were transported to Fisherman's Wharf, where we would catch the ferry to Alcatraz. I have to say that the trip was very interesting. Although we were beat tired by this point, we jumped on the ferry and took a 2 hour tour of the small island. Once again, the weather was beautiful and the view from the little rock island was beautiful. Before we knew it, we were back on the ferry headed for the mainland.

Our legs were killing us! The hills in this town can be torcherous when you are used to living on flat ground. We starving and decided to grab a bite for dinner before heading back to the hotel. We decided to stop at the Rainforest Cafe. I had never been. The atmosphere was very cool with the jungle, mist, lightning, and jungle animals. We both ordered the pot roast dinner and we were not disappointed. It was delicious. We didn't even have enough room for the molten lava cake. :-(

We were back on the road, literally. We walked a few blocks to catch a cable car back to Chinatown. We waited and waited and waited. But, I wasn't about to walk all the way back, Uphill! Alas, we got back to our hotel and I sacked out for the rest of the night.

Earthquake Rattles Oakland - Saturday 9/6/08

Oakland, CA (AHN) -- A magnitude 4.0 earthquake shook Oakland Friday night, but no damage or injuries were immediately reported.

Residents reportedly felt the jolt and saw items in their homes shake and rattle for about seven seconds during the quake. At least three aftershocks followed according to the U.S. Geological Survey.

According to an official at the U.S.G.S, seismologist David Oppenheimer, the tremor was the first since 1990.

Article © AHN - All Rights Reserved
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Authors note: We slept right through it. Does this make me an earthquake survivor? ;-)

First Night in San Fran - Friday 9/5/08

We took a good nap. We woke up at about 5:30pm and decided we needed to go out and see some sights. We decided on Fisherman's Wharf. The only mode of transportation for me was riding a cable car. After all it was on my list of things to do before I die! After a considerable amount of time researching the city street map and cross referencing it with the cable car routes, we were ready to roll.

We walked up Washington Street right through Chinatown. And when I say we walked up Washington Street, I'm not exaggerating! It was straight up! We were both out of breath and our legs were aching by the time we walked the three blocks to Powell and Washington. Once we reached the top there was a bit of discussion on if my GIS capabilities were correct. #1 - we saw the Pickup sign, and #2 - we saw the cable tracks in the road. However, DL thought my navigation might be incorrect. Why? I still don't know.

DL: "Do you know if the cable car stops here?"
SF Police officer: "Uh. Yeah, it should."
DL: "Do you know if it takes you to Fisherman's Wharf?"
SF Police officer: "Where are we? (Looking at street sign) Yeah, it should. Ya know, there are two drop-offs, so it should drop you off at one of them." (Wow. Great 4-1-1)
DL: "OK. Thanks."

The second problem soon revealed itself. In the distance we saw a cable car heading our way. I quickly surveyed my memory banks. I remembered movies where the cable car didn't stop and you had to run and jump on while it was still moving. I quickly asked Don, "Uh. Is that thing going to stop to let us on?" (How would he know?) He said, "I think it will." Well, this girl (a/k/a IT Risk Analyst by trade) is not going to run, leap into the air, and hopefully catch the outside bar on the car as it runs by. So not happening! Luckily, the car did come to a complete stop. Whew! The next thing I know, I'm told that there are no seats left, so I will have to stand on a 3-4 inch ledge and hold on to the outside bar. Well, I am happy to report that I made it to my final destination with no injuries to report! And as a bonus, I get to add it to my list of things that I never thought I'd do!

We were hungry, so the first stop was to find a bite to eat. We decided on the Blue Mermaid. We stopped in for some great seafood. I decided on the shrimp scampi and DL went with the grilled salmon. After enjoying the great atmosphere, perfect weather, and some light banter...we were on our way again.

Compared to the trip there, the tour of Fisherman's Wharf was uneventful. We stayed and browsed the shops, visited Pier 39, saw the Sea Lions, and rode the cable car back. This time, I got to sit in a seat (although DL was still hanging precariously outside of the cable car). We walked down Washington Street and returned safely to our hotel room. It was time to go to bed. We were exhausted. We needed to get rest because tomorrow was a full day!